Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Slippery Shortcuts

Neglect is a funny thing. You don't even notice it's there, and then wham--suddenly, you're a shadow of your former self, casting about for inspiration, withdrawing further into a shell, unable to structure time because there are no clear goals.

I've neglected myself for months. I've been confused and directionless, first because the day job took too many hours, and then I lost my sense of what I was trying to do. I fancy myself tough enough, but how tough can I be if I let my confidence and direction erode through neglect? It's a funny thing that I do...I am petrified by fears of cliches. Not the cliches themselves, but fear of intimacy, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, all the sorts of catch phrases that really do exist and have no business controlling me.

But they do. They sneak in when I'm fretting about something else. I wish I were one of those people who bluster with outrageous ego and ignore self-doubt. Instead I let neglect turn into fear, which destroys quickly once it takes hold. I end up lacking confidence, direction, and even ability, dominated by a self-fulfilling fear of loss.

I am most effective when I have nothing to lose. When I am responsible to no one but myself, when I am not petrified by self-doubt. That's when I'm at my best.

Talking about being a writer does not make someone a writer.

I need to focus, to find a way forward to get my book written.

My usual technique is to force myself into an unfamiliar situation where I rely on my quickness of wit to get by each day—somehow this accesses the creative part of my weird mind—but routine and neglect have dulled my brain. I need to find a way to focus and progress without my usual shortcut to inspiration.

I guess, I mean. Or I could just split and do this the familiar way.


Marie Javins said...

I could always go back to Cairo.

Don said...

Alas, I regret that you didn't feel that my comment had merit. Self pity is erodes.

Marie Javins said...

To be honest, I'm going to have to go back and look it up.

Marie Javins said...

Do you mean the "get 'er done, half try?" Or was there a comment that got swallowed by the comment monster?

Don said...

The Larry the cable guy comment related to a previous post.
My point in this one is that even Cairo is now in your comfort zone. Ergo, I'd recommend you seek a new, not too onerous adventure. The natural hot springs in Iceland or Banff, Alberta come to mind, as does the newly re-furbished Dubrovnik.
My Google blogger link is not functioning well, but we'll try again.

Marie Javins said...

We think alike. Just last night, I researched trips to Bolivia. I'm thinking July, since I'm not being sent to Comic-Con this year.

Ah hell, or maybe late June...