Saturday, April 05, 2014

The Movie Review I Never Need to Read Again

I've read this review so many times I can't believe major critics are still writing it. People are PAID to write this shit over and over again.

It's so tiresome and cliched. You'd think by the time a critic got to the level of a major newspaper or serious magazine, they'd remember to look back at what they and their colleagues have written previously, and at least try a new approach.

Or maybe, like I did here with their recycled super hero movie review, they just copy-paste, and change a few details.

"I hate super heroes and super hero movies and things with computer graphics, and pretty much anything that might be liked by the filthy mainstream public, and I lost the coin toss with A.O. Scott and he kept my quarter too, so now I'm really pissed, and I had to go see your wretched movie about things that I have disdained since I learned I was accepted at an Ivy. 

"Basically, I am far, far too good for your tripe and my taste is beyond reproach, whereas you are a puny donkey. But where were we? Oh yes, super heroes. Why must we be forced to sit through these wretched wastes of my time? I have said seven times already this genre is shot, and I'm saying it again. It's over, folks, if not today, then the next movie, and if not that one, the one after that or maybe in a few years or ten. The visual effects offend my delicate intellect. And my eyes!

"I am typing this on my phone during the opening sequence, which explains why I didn't notice that Marvel Studios has upped the ante by providing genre films rather than super hero films, getting ahead of the game by not making yet another super hero movie, but I know nothing about that because I hate super hero movies with a passion because I am much, much smarter than you and all your smelly friends, because you know I am better educated and I like art. 

"You know nothing of art. I know art and if I were to actually take this stuff seriously, I might be thrown out of my secret snotty-ass film critics association which meets at an Ivy club, same place as my alumni group. We are all far too smart and rich to see this type of product, but unfortunately, as I said, I lost the coin toss and had to see this wretched popular dog-doo, which had a woman with a tight outfit in it. And some men. I don't know what the men wore or did, because that would require me to stop typing this important cliche about female characters. 

"Isn't it a shame how the women in these films are just eye candy who play no part in the film and flaunt their breasts? But what would you expect from a genre only about super heroes which are from comic books which are only for eight-year-olds, and all about the same things, which is super heroes. The genre of comic book movies is doomed to extinction because comic books—upon which they are based—are only about super heroes and comic book movies are only about CGI and nonsense about idiots flying. 

"I'd tell you what happened, but that would require I watch rather than type this and I can't hear it because I'm wearing earplugs because you know, sooo loud, and some review said this is a political thriller and if I were actually able to look up and think back to Redford going to the Times at the end of Three Days, maybe I could draw some kind of parallel and insight and talk about the spirit of the time and poetry of casting Redford, and about the eternal question of preemptive versus post and the paranoia post-Watergate and what is going on today that parallels that time, but that would mean watching, and super hero movies are so far beneath me that I couldn't possibly give two shits about my assignment long enough to validate your horrific taste, humans of Earth, and did I mention I'm smarter than you?"

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