Thursday, March 06, 2008

More Adventures in Waxing

"Come on, Tanya," said Nina, a sixty-year-old Russian woman with dyed bright red hair. She waved me into the little waxing room at the back of the salon.

I looked around for a Tanya. No Tanya. Nina motioned impatiently. Me? I was Tanya?

Apparently so.

I trotted cooperatively into the waxing room. I'd been empowered by my waxing experience a few weeks ago, and I'm bound to have to wear my bikini in Colombia, so I thought I'd make my life a bit easier and eliminate leg shaving for the near future.

"Ffflllhf llglggl?"

"Um, what?" Nina was speaking to me in Russian, or was it English? Oh wait, I know. She's asking if I want a full leg wax.

"Yes. Full leg and bikini LINE." I emphasized line. "NO Brazilian. NO. Only line, here."

Bikini waxes have gotten complicated in the last decade, which is probably how long it's been since I had my bikini line waxed. Nowadays there are all kinds of variations on the bikini wax. And that's where I show my age, my uncoolness, my total lack of interest in trying new things, where I fall down squarely on the "Don't make it the vertical Hitler moustache* and don't even THINK about yanking it all off" side of things.

Nina was moving things along quickly and with a bit of sting. Smooth, rip. Smooth, rip. Then, I felt a spreading warmth where there wasn't supposed to be one.

"NO!" Not the moustache! But the wax...she'd already painted it on.

Nina looked confused. She knew her job. What was Tanya's problem?

I surveyed the waxy clump. Let's see. My choices are: Suffer through the moustache or pick at wax for weeks. Hell.

"Go ahead." I sighed for half a sec and then YOW!

OWWWWWW.

And as if it weren't enough that Nina had put me through this, she then gave me a lecture.

"You pay good money, Tanya. I do it right."

She ripped the hair out by the roots from the other side.

Enough. No more waxing for this Tanya. I hereby announce my retirement from all future waxing, or at least all waxing above the knee.


*I co-opted this phrase. Not an original.

7 comments:

Steve Buccellato said...

ow

Marie said...

Yes. It was quite ow. I'm definitely missing some vital piece of the puzzle on the "Isn't that sexy" front. Maybe it's because I'm over 40. Or maybe it's because I don't think a plucked chicken looks so nice.

Marie said...

Just discovered that Nina missed huge swaths of shin hair.

Not amused.

Amanda Castleman said...

Poor, poor Tanya.

On the plus side, you'll be all Shakira-smooth for Colombia ... just, um, in more places than you'd hoped for.

Steve Buccellato said...

Very "sex beast"

Marie said...

Steve was accused of drawing his women as "sex beasts." This by a guy in the Middle East who was looking for a storyboard artist.

If Steve's women are "sex beast," imagine what the guy would think of Witchblade.

Paula B. said...

OW!!! I've tried waxing - even with the special delicate green wax (ages ago at the Lancome Salon at Bloomies back in the 90's) that isn't supposed to hurt. Lies lies lies. It hurt like heck.
Shaving is a nightmare. The only things I get waxed now are my eyebrows and sometimes my chin. But even though "fur" on the beach isn't sexy here is my solution. I instead use my hubby's electric razor and get everything buzzed as short as can be and then I wear a bathing suit that looks like a dress. Very 50's. I also have a 2 piece where the bottom looks like a skirt but it has panties. Thus one can look cute on the beach and no "fur" is exposed. I'm too old to be bothered and now that I have a kid I'm lucky I get a shower every other day. Ha!